Talking about S-E-X

Women sitting around talking about sex. Sounds kind of weird. It may make you feel uncomfortable as that aspect of your life is very private.  I understand.

But stepping out of my comfort zone to participate in the Institute class on sexuality  made me aware of my need for the Holy Spirit to give me words and the heart to be real with those in my groups and to be brave enough to be examine my heart and motivations regarding my own sexuality.

Paul said in 1 Timothy 1:15-16, “This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it, Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-and I am the worst of them all. But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they too, can believe in him and receive eternal life.”

I have felt like Paul at times.  I went through a period of sin and rebellion and that has taken me a very long time to get over. Paul did not allow his recognition of his sinfulness to stop him for being used by God. He was bold and purposeful, yet showed complete dependence on the work of Jesus Christ through the cross. Christ came to take away the darkness and fill the spaces with light.  I, on the other hand, have not lived in certainty that my forgiveness by God was unconditional.  I hid for so long. I wanted to present myself as a good person, and only revealed my ugly past to a chosen few.  I believed that if others knew who I really was, I should expect and even deserved rejection.

I grew up seeking approval and sought affection from boys in my teen years . I began having sex while still in high school. I was searching for love but instead experienced rejection and found out I was pregnant  at eighteen. I was from a Christian family, yet did not trust anyone to tell them. In my self-reliance, I determined to “take care of it” and had an abortion. Ironically, I had even marched against abortion when I was a few years younger. I was callous to the event and continued to seek love from boys.  A few years later in another relationship, I found myself pregnant again. This time, I was certain that the guy I was dating would do the “right thing” and marry me. But it felt like a trap to him. He would not be my rescuer, but he would drive me to the local Planned Parenthood clinic for another abortion. I was devastated. I felt helpless. I sat in the room waiting for him to bust through the doors saying he had changed his mind. Afterwards, I felt such despair, depression, guilt, shame, remorse and fear of being known. I hid all this from family and friends who may have helped me. I hid from God.

I am so sorry if this strikes a nerve with anyone who has not been able to conceive a child. Believe me, I realize the enormity of killing innocent babies and I am sorrowful.  I have carried this burden of sexual sin and murder for over 30 years. The scars are deep. The wounds have taken a long time to heal. I know how I broke God’s heart through my rebellion.

The problem has been accepting Christ’s love and forgiveness. Intellectually, I have known that I have been forgiven and made right with God, but I felt that my sin was too big, that I could never really be free. I have performed like the elder brother in the prodigal son but never allowed myself to enjoy the loving,welcoming embrace of the Father.

When I dated my husband, I revealed my past in tears, waiting for him to leave. He said, “Isn’t that in the past?”  We left it there. I felt safe. I am loved by him. He is a wonderful husband, friend and lover.

I have felt Christ’s love for me as well. Christ has redeemed me. He has loved me and opened his arms to me. He has allowed me to be myself and to be used to love others. He rescued me! He has given me freedom to look outside my own selfishness. He has blessed our marriage of over twenty years, and given us two daughters who have been a joy to us.  He is replacing my sinful nature with the fruits of the spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. My repentance has allowed me to see His goodness and in thanksgiving I praise Him.

Whether you have sins in your past or wisdom to share, Redeeming Sexuality is a study that goes to the heart of every woman. The Bible shows us that God desires for us to feel His love and to love others. The honesty that comes from being real in a group setting can allow this study to help you examine your own motivations.  We  can help our church be a community of believers who recognize that we are all sinners in need of a Savior. Our Savior wants us to be whole.. Women will find freedom.  Please register for Redeeming Sexuality today; you can find details about the study here.
~A Grace Church member