22 May Becoming foster parents
May is foster care awareness month. Be on the look out for more posts about foster care!
Opening our eyes
Until just a few years ago, I heard very little about foster care. My husband and I were ignorant about the need and knew very few people who were or had been foster parents. It was nowhere on our radar.
But that year we had someone we deeply cared for make a lot of bad choices. As we watched things spiral out of control, my husband asked a very difficult question, “Do we need to take those kids? I mean, if something happens, we are probably the ones that need to do something about it, right?”
I’ll fast-forward through that roller coaster year, and say, even though it was very painful at times, it turned out to be a beautiful story of redemption that could have only been orchestrated by God. We watched healing and recovery take place, and we are still a part of the milestone celebrations.
Sometimes adults make bad choices. And a lot of times there are helpless children involved.
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What we learned through that experience, (which did not involve “the system” in any way) was: sometimes adults make bad choices. And a lot of times there are helpless children involved. Many times these are not situations where there needs to be a forever separation, but rather a temporary stability while the parent gets help. We watched that scenario play out in our real life.
Saying yes
This seed was planted at the same time we were in community group with a couple who was waiting on their foster care license. When they shared about this decision with others, our friend always felt uncomfortable hearing what “great people they must be.” His response was always tear-filled; he would say, “I don’t see what the big deal is. God has given us an extra bed. Why wouldn’t we let a child who needs a place to go sleep in it?” The answer would not have been that simple to me a year earlier, but in a lot of ways, it was exactly where we had just been. We had space- why wouldn’t we share it with someone in need?
So when we first heard Grace Church share about the need for foster parents, it was a no-brainer that we would attend the informational meeting. The seed had already been planted, so we signed up without hesitation, despite the fact that our children were 6, 4, and 2 at the time.
We had space- why wouldn’t we share it with someone in need?
We had fears for sure. Our kids were young – would this be safe for them? How would we let a child go? How would our children respond? What would a child from that background bring into our home? What if the parents didn’t like us? Would we be putting ourselves in danger? Were we ready for this kind of sacrifice?
Bringing them home
I remember when my firstborn was about to enter kindergarten. I was touring one school in particular, and these little five year-olds were walking like ducks in a row. I said, “My child is a baby! She doesn’t know how to do that! She will never fit in here!” The principal chuckled and said, “Conformity is a beautiful thing that’s not as difficult as you would expect.”
I’ve seen the same can be said for foster children. They come in scared- with many emotions. But those stories of disobedience and refusal to respond to rules, even with consistency, are the exception and not the norm. Sure, we have had to get creative and use different forms of motivation, but that part has been way less scary than I imagined. Kids conform to structured situations.
Letting them go
One of the things we worried incessantly about was letting a child go. Of course, anytime you spend endless amounts of time investing in someone, you will naturally feel a loss when they leave. But then, we’ve just had to remind ourselves that we want what is best for the child. Yes, it’s been hard for us, but it has also been better for the child. Both of our fostering stories will have happy endings.
We have learned, it would be selfish for us to want to keep a child who longs to be reunited with his family simply because we are bonded to him. Sacrifice and hurt are part of the gospel. God allowed Jesus to endure pain and suffering for my gain. We have willingly exposed ourselves and our kids to pain and suffering for another child’s benefit.
We have also found ourselves worrying about how our own children would handle it. “What about our kids? How will they handle it?” Yet I would say that our experiences have shown that children are way more resilient than we are.
We have willingly exposed ourselves and our kids to pain and suffering for another child’s benefit.
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I recall a conversation with my son where I was trying to help him be honest about his feelings after our first foster child left. I was convinced there were deep, dark emotions that were being stuffed down. As I tried to pry those things out of him, he said, “Mommy, I’m sad, but he’s with his family now. Isn’t that what you said would happen? And aren’t we supposed to feel glad about that?” For him, it was as simple as I had initially explained it – he would be here for a time, and it would be good when he left.
Willing to move
Now, we are five months into our second placement, and I wish I could go back and tell my worried self to stop spending my energy on so much unnecessary anxiety. Fostering has been hard at times, but the difficulties of actually doing it, still aren’t worth all the worrying we did.
I want to be clear and honest that fostering has been hard. Often, it is challenging and difficult. But I would say the exact same thing about parenting my own children.
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In general, we get two responses to our decision to be foster parents:
1. I could never do that, or
2. I’ve thought about doing that… later.
Not everyone can respond to the orphan crisis by being licensed foster parents, but we would humbly suggest that many more people can do it than think they can. Foster care has been described as a least bad situation for a child. A lot of people have a space or a bed and are able to provide a least bad situation.
Your kids don’t have to be the perfect age. You don’t have to be in a “right” place spiritually. You don’t have to be at certain life stage. You don’t even have to be married. We know a couple of young, single women who are doing an excellent job as foster moms. You just have to be willing.
There are children out there who have been removed from their homes because the adults in their lives are making bad choices. Our hope in being real about our own experiences is that the idea of foster care and the fears surrounding it will be less scary; that more willing people will stand up to help meet their needs.
-Natalie Patterson, foster mom