If I’m being honest, like taking a microscope to my heart kind of honest, I think I’m a pretty big deal. Of course I don’t insert that line into everyday conversation, because it’s not socially acceptable to be obviously arrogant.

You have to coat your self-centeredness in a layer of fake humility first. You know what I mean: subtly inserting your accomplishments into conversations, telling someone  you like their outfit but secretly hating it because they look way better than you do, making excuses every time you get something wrong or make a mistake. I’m not actually, verbally claiming, “Excuse me, don’t you know I’m a big deal”, because that would just be rude.

But I think it. I think it all the time. I think it when I get cut off in traffic. I think it when I’m in a group setting and I feel insecure because I don’t know anyone. I think it when my boss doesn’t acknowledge my hard work or my brilliant ideas. And here’s the deal, I’m pretty sure our thoughts come from our hearts, and so  if I’m thinking I’m a big deal then I must actually believe it somewhere deep down inside. I just don’t want to admit I do.

So this Sunday when Matt talked about David’s humble response to God’s mercy and faithfulness to him, and how David recognized the deep disparity between him and the Almighty, my first thought was, well, how awesome it is that I’m humble like David. But Matt kept going, talking about pride, and how it can turn us into arrogant Christians. And I thought, “Ugh I totally know those types of Christians; They’re so obnoxious.” It wasn’t until he laid it out with his hands that I got the jolt of reality. He said God is up there, and we are down here, and we keep trying to lower God’s bar and make ours higher. But what we’re actually trying to do is eliminate the distance between us and God to bolster our fragile self-esteem.

“The comparisons, the judging, the insecurity, the frustration in situations where I felt inferior, they all exposed the truth of my heart. The truth that I think I deserve better, that I think I am better, that I’m a big deal.”

The illustration didn’t sit right with me, because it sounded way too similar to my thought life. I could make the case that I wasn’t arrogant because I wasn’t actively trying to be so, but my thoughts betrayed me. The comparisons, the judging, the insecurity, the frustration in situations where I felt inferior, they all exposed the truth of my heart. The truth that I think I deserve better, that I think I am better, that I’m a big deal.

But David doesn’t think he’s a big deal. He’s so clear on who he is and who God is. When God promises him all these incredible, unfathomable gifts, he doesn’t say, “Wow look how awesome I am because God is giving me all this stuff.” No, it’s the exact opposite response. He starts worshipping God, telling God how great He is, how big of a deal He is.

In this moment it’s tempting for me to say that from now on I’m just going to try harder to think less of myself. That maybe if I work harder to be nicer and be more humble then I’ll finally have it right. But that’s just another outlet for me to make myself a bigger deal; It’s the false humility, the “Look how good I am at being humble.” I think if I’ve learned anything from David, it’s what repentance looks like. Remember how he responded to Abigail when she confronted his anger? He repented. He recognized his wrong and admitted it. Then he gave glory to God and turned away from his anger.

I want to be like David. I want to be truly humble, to recognize that I’m down here and God is up there, and there’s a lot of comfort in that. Because here’s the deal, I’m really not that big of deal.