19 May Releasing My Need for Control
While it may be tempting to dismiss certain parts of Scripture as antiquated and not applicable in our twenty-first century world, if you’ve been in a church that teaches the entire message of the Bible, not cherry picking the passages that make us feel good, you begin to learn that submission is important to God. I’d even venture to say that’s it’s of ultimate importance. Can I have a relationship with God if I don’t submit to His authority and will in my life? Jesus submitted to the Father by humbling Himself, becoming man, and suffering and dying a brutal death. Who would have chosen that? If Jesus, Emmanuel, God made flesh, can humble Himself – His majestic, all powerful self – and submit to God’s will, what is it for God to ask me to submit to my husband?
Looking back on the book of Ephesians, this passage makes sense, for Paul is imploring us to “lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God” (Ephesians 4:1). We are to “throw off [our] own sinful nature and [our] former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception.” Instead, we are to “let the Spirit renew [our] thoughts and attitudes” and “put on [our] new nature” (Ephesians 4:22-24). Everything about our thinking, living, and being must change when we follow Christ; the world is watching to see if what we believe is real. Submission is antithetical to what our culture teaches us about individuality, equality, rights, and expectations in marriage. We, on the other hand, are called to be a blessing to others in every area. In marriage, where we clearly see each other’s faults and weaknesses, it can be especially challenging. Submission is an area of struggle for me to trust God and let go of control.
Grace Church’s Ezer Biblical Femininity study has helped to change my thinking around this issue. I was raised with and continually fed the lie that submission is an outdated, dirty word. In my humanness, I want to fight against the idea of submitting to any authority; it makes me feel like I am less valuable or significant. These feelings, which are confirmed both in the world and even in some Christian circles, are a direct result of the fall and the consequences that all women face: “You will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you” (Genesis 3:16). It doesn’t help matters when we experience pressure to be the passive, soft-spoken woman who fits a certain “good Christian wife” caricature. That’s not necessarily an accurate picture of Biblical submission, but it’s often the example that is most lauded.
Over time, the Lord has shown me that submitting is actually a blessing. God has made my husband responsible for leading our family. That was part of God’s design, not to lord it over wives or make them subservient, but because someone has to decide and be accountable. It requires sacrifice and selflessness for my husband to truly love me. My husband is naturally just a lot better at loving me than I am at submitting!
The Biblical Femininity study defines submission as “the voluntary humbling of oneself in order to elevate another.” It is a “heart orientation of being on the same team.” A few weeks ago, Matt Williams talked about how our behaviors fall on a continuum from thinking entirely of ourselves to thinking entirely about others. Submission requires me to get outside of myself and let go of my desires. I can choose to actively partner with my husband, coming alongside him and owning his cause. I can speak truth and freely share my God-given gifts, knowledge, and opinions. I am, in fact, responsible to share these things. But then God calls me to yield to my husband’s decision and support him in that. If I hold the decisions against him, or continue arguing and insisting on my way, I am only doing damage to our relationship. Being subversive does not lead to a good marriage, or a good family life. I’ve tried it and it only breeds strife and distrust.
In faith and trust, God has slowly moved my heart to accept and even rest in submission. I am not perfect at it, but I am learning to release my need for control to the One who judges righteously and instead to partner with my husband to see him, us, succeed. The way I live in every area of life reflects what is in my heart. Clearly, any change in my attitudes and actions is a work of the Holy Spirit in my life and nothing I can take credit for. Will I trust that the Lord has my best interest at heart, even when my less than perfect husband is responsible and leading us? Am I going to be on the same team as my husband and advance his cause, our cause, or will I insist on my own agenda, no matter the cost to my family? In all areas, am I leading a life worthy of my calling and allowing the Holy Spirit to transform me daily? My hope is in Him, and Him alone, to change me.
-Keri Geary, Downtown Campus